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| Everything has changed. It's all still changing, for the better I hope. No contact from Megan in a month, and I don't much miss her this time, so I take that as a good thing. I'm not a huge fan of what I'm becoming, mostly heartless and easily irritable. I honestly don't know if that is a direct result of Megan's less than ideal treatment of my person, or if this was the path I was always going to end up on: either way, it's frustrating. I found out tonight I can barely stand being around couples, especially when they are being the slightest bit romantic, mostly because of my unfortunate inability to ignore things around me. I'm going to end up alienating myself from everyone I know because of my growing proclivities and inability to deal with the fact that I feel completely alone almost 24/7. Granted it's worse when people aren't actually around: but even when they are I feel like no one gets anything I say, or the reason I say things. I'm just on the edge of having no hope left, and I hate when I get all depressed due to that, but I can't help it. Mediocrity seems to be the name of the game....and so it shall be it would seem. Happy 2011? I doubt it.
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| This time for sure: I know I keep saying it but it needs to be done this time. The distance coupled with the growing disinterest and borderline hatred of the female species and their backwards thought processes has slowly driven me to this point. I almost don't want to even attempt to date around, because all I see is hopelessness on my end. It's not that I'm too bad looking: it's not that I'm too stupid, and it's not that I have a bad personality. In fact I don't think it's me at all. I did for the longest time, but if it is it's something wrong with me that I can't fix. I'm going to drop my standards down from the average level down to slightly below that in the hopes for happiness. I'm working on it as much as I can, and that's all I can really do, you know? Alas Megan will probably bounce back into my goddamn life, and I'll accept her there once she's single and needs someone again, because I am an enabler, and I still fucking love her. I hope eventually she stays away permanantly, but I should enjoy my sanity whilst it is still here. Goodnight dear web-diary-thingy.
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| I think I'm getting the hang of this stuff. I don't feel like I have to tell her how I feel everyday now. She's starting to kinda realize that she has at least something for me, I'm interested to see how far and how fast it'll progress now that she knows there IS something. I'm still kinda wishing she'd read on here but I don't know if it's best to be like HEY COME READ or just hope she runs across is. Her being as far away as she is still hurts though. I do my best to not think about it but sometimes it's just impossible. I'm coping. And for once she's helping. So maybe this is when things change.
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| It's been a little while. Again. Things are going halfway decent. Megan seems more responsive to my feelings nowadays. We've had alot of excellent conversations recently, and although things aren't going fast there are going. She still has the same effect she always has on me: it's kinda nice actually. Even without the feelings completely returned: I know she cares about me as a friend. I think deep down she already cares about me as more than that. I'm not sure....but then again by logical standards everything I do for her is retarded and pointless. But it makes me feel good. She's still as stubborn as ever. It's hard to really get through to her. But when I do I get glimpses of the Megan I know and love. It's liberating. Even if nothing ever happens with her....and it will, I have trust in that....I can still rely on my memories of her, and the feelings I have about her. I survive because of those emotions. They give me credit, but I have to learn how much to feel at a given time. Too much and I become dependent: too little, I become depressed. It's rather difficult, like balancing a drug in your system that you have no hope of detoxing from, yet...you're okay with it, because it makes you a better person. Or at least you think. All the same, you have to deal for the time being until something changes, for the better or the worse.
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| So. It's been a little while. Megan's back in my life, againnn. Rather than the comedy of errors that it normally is, I'm hoping her new movement to Ohio keeps things more simple for me. After talking to her for a couple days due to the fact she had no one better to talk to, I realize, I still probably love her. I suppose Shawn was right about those feelings never going away. So I just have to get used to this feeling. Which is going to take a bit. On the bright side of things, due to some lesson's from a dear friend of mine, I've been messing around collecting nudes from some of the girls. I think it's hilarious when they insist they love someone else, yet hand out nudes like they're going out of style. It used to be I'd say something, but I'm not doing that anymore. This ties me over while the girls I actually care about grow up and hurt themselves because they're too dumb to listen. Which is a shame for them, I do what I can to help, but it's never quite enough for them to learn. Megan just send me one today, which I thought was awfully nice of her. Taylor has been sending me a few recently, nothing brand new though. I do wish it didn't have to be this way, I'm really not the kinda guy who is so superficial that this is what I want, but it helps keep back the depression thinking some girls are interested. Regardless of the truth value of that statement. It makes me want to believe that the reason things aren't panning out for me is simply because I've already met the girl I'm going to marry....I don't know how sure I can be about something like that. I like the magic that takes place between myself and Megan, it's nice. No matter what happens, one of us comes back to the other. I was remembering the other day about how the best sleep I ever got was sleeping next to her in Wisconsin. Pure bliss, I tell you. If I could simply remember that when I was down the most, that alone could keep me going. I suppose I should get used to her overlooking me for a long time: but I can't give up on her. I've tried. I've tried not talking to her, I've tried hating her. Nothing works. I just love the girl, plain and simple. I suppose I have to work on waiting for her to fall for me. It'll probably happen at the worst possible time too, but I'll take what I can get. Thank you, Xanga, for being around for me to post my thoughts.
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